November 25, 2008

One day farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW ............ Enough of that crap .. . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

November 12, 2008

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. Never take someone for granted, hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were
too busy collecting stones.
LOVE YOU !!!!!

Taser as a Gift

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversarysubmitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked myinterest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for alittle something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser weresupposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on yourassailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc ofelectricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on theface of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trustinglittle soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I reallyneeded to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) andthought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to givethis thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want someassurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassesperched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, andtaser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient yourassailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and amajor loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly makeyour assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longerthan three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm lookingat this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch incircumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-Abatteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there a lone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one sideas to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst fromsuch a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to givemyself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to mynaked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OFMASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up inthe recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over andover again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testiclesnowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddestposition, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to apicture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoidgetting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note ofcaution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by aviolent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would beconsidered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at thatpoint), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyedthe landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originallywas. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but wastoo numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faintsmoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm stilllooking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safereturn!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

November 11, 2008

Thanksgiving Divorce


A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. 'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Do not do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother back, and we will both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

November 04, 2008

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building Materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!' The teacher had to leave the room.