TWENTY FIVE REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"4.My mother taught me LOGIC." Because I said so, that's why."

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,you're not going to the store with me."6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7..My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY..
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS ..
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!!"
(This is commonly known as THE MOTHER'S CURSE that is passed on to all generations.
And it does come true!)

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

His grandfather from Yugoslavia-------------------------------U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom-dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh T

he bird lover uncle ------------------------------------- Flaming Gogh T

he fruit loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ---- there ya Gogh!

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderlineirrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, butpressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2... The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:1. OTHER WOMEN'
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

the frog in the well

There sat at the bottom of a well a group of frogs who were conversing with each other about what the blue dot above their heads was. An old frog told them it was the sky. He told the group all about the sky. He said that it is sometimes black and sometimes blue and sometimes gray. He further told them that the sky would sometimes talk to them. When he was young (a few weeks ago), it used to say all kinds of mysterious things. Lately all it said was “Climb the wall!” The old frog told the group (all of whom were not alive the last time the sky spoke) that those who didn’t listen to the sky were drowned as water rushed into the well after it admonished them to “Climb the wall.”During this conversation, the sky spoke. “Climb the wall,” it said. Some frogs climbed the wall and were safe from the flood that commenced. Others didn’t and were drowned. One little frog thought to himself, “The sky said to climb the wall, he never said how high.” So the little frog climbed and climbed. His friends told him he was foolish. “Why climb more? You are safe from the flood and the water is already subsiding,” one said. “Soon, life will be back to normal,” another added. But the little frog realized that there must be more to life than speculating about the sky, waiting for it to tell you what to do. He realized that the suggestion to “Climb the wall” was an invitation! So, on he climbed. As he climbed, he realized that the higher he climbed, the harder he worked, the larger the sky became. The higher he reached the more he learned about the sky. Finally he reached the top of the well.On top of the well to greet him was a very old frog. The young frog asked him, “Where did you come from?”“The well,” the old frog replied. “How did you get here?”“I climbed like you did, how else?”“How did you know to climb?”“The frog I replaced at the top of the well called me, as I just called you.”“How did you know I would come?”“I didn’t know you would come, but I knew someone would.”“So what should I do now?” the young frog asked.The old frog commenced telling him about the sky. He explained the sun, stars, clouds and rain. He gave the frog so much understanding about the world around him that the young frog, feeling happy to finally understand the sky, wanted to share his new enlightenment and freedom with all the frogs in the well.Then he asked the old frog, “What are you going to do now?” “I’m going to swim in that pond. It is up to you to make sure that you tell the frogs in the well to climb the wall when you see it rain. They can’t understand that the rain fills the well and will wash them away.” With that he hopped away.“How long do I do this?” he asked.“Until someone listens long enough to replace you!”In all aspects of our lives we are a “frog in a well”. In some areas we may be on the well, with great understanding and freedom, trying to encourage others to work hard enough to get out of their “well”. In other areas, we are frogs at the bottom, looking up and thinking we understand, when in reality we only grasp a shadow of reality. In all cases, we come to a position of understanding and freedom by subjecting ourselves to self-improving work. We must work to get understanding, we must strive for freedom.
Copyright 2005-2009 Orville Thompson

Subject: Road Rage
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.
'Priceless!

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Providence Theme Song Lyrics
Title: "In My Life"
Written By: "John Lennon & Paul McCartney"
Performed By: "Chantal Kreviazuk
"There are places I’ll remember all my life
Though some have changed
Some forever not for better,
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I’ve loved them all.

Title: "Torkelsons Theme"
By: "Ray Colcord
"People say god looks out for the working man
Sure hope he's looking out for me
These empty pockets need a helping hand
Kitchen tables full of family
But then the sun comes up (sun comes up)
And the moon is shining big and bright
And the new day promises (promises)
That everything will be alright
And the new day promises
That everything will be alright

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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
"The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.