A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversarysubmitted this: Last weekend I saw something at 
Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked myinterest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for alittle something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser weresupposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on yourassailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc ofelectricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on theface of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trustinglittle soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I reallyneeded to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) andthought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to givethis thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want someassurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassesperched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, andtaser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient yourassailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and amajor loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly makeyour assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longerthan three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm lookingat this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch incircumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-Abatteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there a lone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one sideas to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst fromsuch a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to givemyself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to mynaked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OFMASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up inthe recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over andover again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testiclesnowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddestposition, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to apicture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoidgetting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note ofcaution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by aviolent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would beconsidered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at thatpoint), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyedthe landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originallywas. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but wastoo numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faintsmoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm stilllooking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safereturn!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked myinterest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for alittle something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser weresupposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on yourassailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc ofelectricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on theface of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trustinglittle soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I reallyneeded to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) andthought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to givethis thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want someassurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassesperched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, andtaser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient yourassailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and amajor loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly makeyour assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longerthan three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm lookingat this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch incircumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-Abatteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there a lone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one sideas to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst fromsuch a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to givemyself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to mynaked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OFMASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up inthe recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over andover again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testiclesnowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddestposition, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to apicture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoidgetting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note ofcaution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by aviolent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would beconsidered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at thatpoint), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyedthe landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originallywas. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but wastoo numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faintsmoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm stilllooking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safereturn!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' 
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